360 Plans On Sticking Around for YEARS
Comment by InsomniaBob
Nominated by REDFIELD
The next gen console will have so much computational power, it will be able to float off 7 inches off the ground.
It will use a proprietary download format, requiring not only that you maintain a fiber optic connection, but also re-buy all your media in the new, all digital, discless format.
Not only will the next gen console's LAUNCH games suck, ALL of it's games will suck. Hard. And they'll be so expensive to make, there will only be 20 of them, spaced out one every 3 months. On top of that, there will be frequent delays, and every 4th game will be either a Madden, Tony Hawk, or Need for Speed title.
The next generation console will be bigger than your television. But, because it's floating seven feet off the ground, you can attack the underside for MASSIVE DAMAGE.
The only good game on the next gen console will be Super Smash Bros Brawl. It won't be a port. That's how far the game will be pushed back. On the positive side, fighter not only include every fighting game character in history, Gordon Freeman, Megaman, the guys from Contra, the Tetris L Block, and Tron, but also every major animal mascot character (Bubsy! Blinx! Acro the Bat!), and every United States President, with an Assist Trophy each for the VPs. Lincoln fires missiles out of his hat.
The next-gen console will look exactly like a Weighted Companion Cube.
The next-gen console will be released in Japan in 2010, America in early 2011, and Australia in Dec 12, 2012, signaling the end of the Mayan calendar, and the apocalypse. When asked about the European release, Jade Raymond, the company's PR rep, told Europe it could "get fucked".
Ads for the next-generation console will be extreme. VERY extreme. Taglines include:
"Games so dark and gritty, you'll be spitting asphault!
The future is 5-D! Yeah, that's right! Suck it!
Graphics so sweet, you'll kick your mom in the HEAD.
NEXT GEN CONSOLE! It's gonna RAPE your FACE."
The Next Gen Console will come in 28 differnt models. Each model will have fewer and fewer features. The 28th and final version, released on the eve on man's extinction, will resemble a Colecovision deck. Regardless of features, all models will cost $1200 and a kidney.
Forum trolls, defending the Next Gen Console, becoming increasingly rabid in the face of posters who haven't bought one yet. Eventually, they organize into a rampaging troll army, and scour the hillside, looking for those who do not 'bear the mark'. (The next gen console imprints it's legal ownder with a barcode, so that units can not be traded in to Gamestop.) Gamers who do not own the Next Gen Console will be forced to buy one. If the gamer in question cannot afford the Next Gen Console, he will be killed. And eaten.
NEXT GEN CONSOLE. OBEY.
At E3 2009, the activation sequence of the Next Gen Console will kill Regie Fils-Aime from three rooms away.http://kotaku.com/gaming/xbox-360/360-plans-on-sticking-around-for-years-319735.php
